By Johanna Hernandez
Once upon a time in Ancient Egypt, Osiris was a god-king. He wasn’t just any god-king, those are a dime a dozen in mythology.
He was the shit.
Osiris was a very good ruler, who taught his subjects about art, music, and religion. Under his guidance, the people flourished. But flourishing people, healthy crops, and awesome tunes don’t really make a good story so, enter Set. There always is one black sheep in the family and in the Egyptian pantheon, that’s our boy Set. God of the desert and chaos (which, in fairness are sort of shitty things to be a god of) while Osiris was God of sick parties and getting laid. To add insult to injury, it didn’t help that Set’s wife, Nephthys, had the hots for Osiris.
One day, she disguised herself as Osiris’ hot wife Isis (we’ll get into her later), slept with Osiris, and got pregnant with a jackal-headed god of mummification. Which, like, gives a bit more context to why Set is irritated with Osiris.
Now, if you are in mythology and you are the second in line to be god emperor of the universe (or anything really), and you are jealous, there’s basically only one reasonable thing to do: you kill the dude who’s in the way of your succession to the throne.
Classic stuff.
So, Set threw a rager of a party. It had all the beer and bread and dates one could want, killer music, lots of confetti, and a special coffin, as all good parties do.
This coffin, the very first sarcophagus, was beautiful. The sarcophagus had ornate gems and carvings in the latest fashion. Weirdly enough, it was also the exact same dimensions as Osiris.
Right down to his big, fat, stupid head. Thought Set (probably).
When the guests came trickling in, the high and mighty of the gods of Ancient Egypt, the Hollywood stars of the Nile River, Set offered them all a drink and explained that he was playing a fun and innocent party game. Whoever was the exact size of the coffin could take it home.
Totally not weird at all. A very normal party game for very normal people.
So everyone tries to fit in the coffin, like some warped version of Cinderella’s shoe, and lo and behold, Osiris is a perfect fit.
SLAM! The lid comes down and before anyone can do anything, Set pitches the whole shebang into the Nile River. It sweeps Osiris off into the currents and drowns him. I imagine now half the guests are running in panic mode, and the other half just roll their eyes because,
“What else would I expect from Set?”
and,
“Honestly. It’s the third ruckus of this era.”
Everyone goes back to their business even though they just watched Set casually murder his own brother, God emperor of the universe, and usurp the throne. Generally, a pretty uncool thing to do.
Except for Isis. Now, Isis ain’t just any goddess. She’s the goddess of magic and fertility, a powerful combination for sure. Isis is devastated, and even though Osiris is dead, she decides to go searching for his body.
While she is searching and mourning and going on a deity-based version of hide and seek, Osiris’s body ha been swept out to sea. It finally lands in a tamarisk tree in Byblos near Phoenicia. The tree grows around the coffin, Osiris’s body still inside, hiding it from view and shielding it from the world.
Meanwhile, the King of Byblos, Malcander, and his wife Astarte were taking a romantic couple’s getaway from the daily grind of ancient leadership, when they came across this awesome tamarisk tree. It smells super sweet and earthy. They like it a lot, so much, in fact, that they chop it down and bring it to the grand palace of Byblos to serve as a column in the throne room.
Isis ha made her way to Byblos and disguised herelf as an old crone with a cool cloak and a staff. She is sobbing. I mean, crying inconsolably and screaming and generally not the kind of person you want outside your reed hut. People ask her what’s wrong and Isis tells them she’s mourning her love, Osiris. By the will of fate, she gets pointed in the direction of the palace.
Malcander and Astarte have no friends, because nobody really gets you when you are King and Queen. Maybe they decide that old women are trustworthy, or maybe it’s her humor, but either way, they start hanging out with this old woman, who, surprise! – is Isis. Malcander, Astarte, and Isis get all chummy. So much so that the King and Queen give her the role of caretaker of their son.
One day, because there’s not that much to do in the palace apparently, Isis decided that it would be a sensible and enjoyable way to spend the afternoon to bathe the prince in a fire. It wouldn’t hurt him, of course, maybe it was a secret initiation or something.
But of course, the Queen walked in while Isis was holding the young prince over the flames. Astarte was like “WTF are you doing to my son!!!” and Isis then had no choice but to reveal herself as a god.
No one, not even a worried mother, yells “WTF are you doing to my son!!!” to Isis.
Astarte, like any reasonable person who has a theophany, cowered in the corner and begged for mercy. I like to picture Isis faintly amused at Astarte’s 0 to 100% sharp turn of emotions, smiling benevolently on her humbled friend nonetheless. Astarte promises she will give anything to spare her family and kingdom.
Isis asks for the tamarisk tree column.
And so, on friendly terms with the rulers, Isis departed from the palace at Byblos, and I imagine Malcander and Astarte are left to find a nanny who doesn’t bathe their offspring and the future heir to the throne in live flames.
Isis drags the Tree/Osiris to the swamps. Here, she hides the body and goes out to forage for magical plants.
She’s gonna bring her husband back to life. She’s gone full magick-mode. It’s resurrection time, baby!
She leaves her sister and friend, Nephythys, guarding the coffin. Despite their complicated history, Nephthys is loyal to Isis and genuinely wants to help.
While she is out shopping for plants and weeds and stones and whatever else you need to bring back a deity, Set hears that Osiris has been moved. There’s always that friend who can’t keep their mouth shut with secrets. In this story, maybe that’s Nephthys, or maybe a scorpion told him or something. Stories vary. Either way, Set figures the location of the coffin out and finds the hideout. As he chops up the body of Osiris, he thinks to himself, “Wow. How many times do I have to murder this guy?”
By the time Isis comes back from her shopping spree, Osiris is chopped liver. And lungs and eyeballs and stuff.
And quick as a flash, Set has spread the remains of the god around Egypt. Isis grabs Nephthys, who I’d imagine she’d be pretty pissed at, and they go on an all-female indie road trip to find Isis’s love.
They find most of him. All of him, in fact, except his manly bits, which were eaten by the Oxyrhynchus fish. With most parts of Osiris re-discovered, but not re-membered, Isis decides she needs help bringing Osiris back to life. It’s like the Avengers but with more deserts and less technology. She enlists the help of Anubis, the love child of Nephthys and Osiris (family drama wow!), and tasks him with bandaging the parts back together. Puzzle time! This becomes the first mummy.
Then, they get Thoth, the cool god of writing and magic. He gives them a super-secret incantation to say. At some point, somewhere along the line they also superglue a golden penis onto Osiris to replace his previous setup. Finally, Isis, who once again is a badass, turns into a bird and breathes Osiris back to life.
Fuck Romeo and Juliet. This is the ultimate love story.
Next, Isis and Osiris have super hot sex. Isis gets pregnant via Osiris’s new and shiny member, and it’s all martial nesting bliss until they realize that Osiris can’t rule. Because he’s a zombie. Zombies can’t be presidents or pharaohs. After long consideration, they decide that Osiris can rule the Underworld as the Lord of Judgement. Still, his leaving is very sad. As he tearfully kisses his pregnant wife goodbye, lighting clasps, and thunder rolls, and he leaves.
Isis fears her son Horus is now prey to Set. Set is now the King of Egypt. I imagine his rule is like Scar’s in The Lion King. There is much suffering and pain and a chorus of jackals. Isis doesn’t care about any of that though. She is momma now. She hides Hours back in the swamps of the Nile, with her friend Nephthys. This time, unlike the last, Nephthys does a good job of not telling her husband where the baby is, and Horus becomes a young man.
When he grows up, like any other good superhero, he avenges his father.
Cue dramatic music.
He fights Set in this epic battle and wins. But Set doesn’t accept that, so they fight again. Horus wins. Set calls for again round and Horus is getting pretty pissed that Set is being Set. He asks his Mama, Isis, for help. Together, with Nephthys and the Egyptian Avengers, they set, (no pun intended) a trap that finally catches the evil king. Set begs for his life and Horus becomes the rightful king of Egypt with all sorts of fanfare and confetti. Thus, the tale of Isis and Osiris ends, and everyone lives, at least somewhat happily ever after.
For those intrigued by the above, here are some more resources about Isis and Osiris.
Music:
Les Lamentations d’Isis et Nephthys
Isis Unveiled by Damh the Bard
Books:
The Passion of Isis and Osiris: A Gateway to Transcendent Love by Jean Houston
Egyptian Paganism by Jocelyn Almond and Keith Seddon
The Mysteries of Isis: Her Worship & Magick (Llewellyn’s World Religion & Magic Series) by DeTraci Regula
Isis Magic Cultivating a Relationship with the Goddess of 10,000 Names by M. Isidora Forrest
Isis and Osiris by Jonathan Cott
Other:
The Motherhouse of the Goddess: A Morning Ritual to the Goddess ISIS {M Isidora Forrest}
Isis Oracle Cards by Alana Fairchild
Citations:
http://www.egyptianmyths.net/mythisis.htm
